(Photo credit: Hanaa Soliman)
My friend was sick. I texted: “Would you like me to bring you some soup?”. The answer came an hour later: “Sure, thank you. But I’m asleep most of the time, so please don’t ring the bell.” That was easy; I had the spare key.
Once back from the market with the ingredients, I proceeded to sauté the onions and prep the vegetables the way I’d seen my family do it over the years. The kitchen already smelled great, evoking beautiful childhood memories. “This’ll take me half an hour max”, I thought to myself. Forty minutes later, I had only prepped half the veggies, my back was aching and my legs so sick of standing. I started to feel resentment towards my friend. The day was ending. I needed to lie down. Why was I still standing and making a stupid soup! Frustration and tension made everything worse, and I felt there was no way out of this untimely commitment. Then it hit me. “Who is taking action for whom?”
A tool that I love and use extensively in my personal life and with clients, whether directly or indirectly, is the Somatic Consent model (Matthias Schwenteck) based on the Wheel of Consent (Betty Martin), which were both expanded from the Three-minute Game by Harry Faddis. They all emerged from the need to develop a culture of deep consent in the field of intimate touch, yet ended up revealing so much beyond that arena as well. In my view, they hold the key to important information about personal boundaries, healthy relating and power dynamics in our world. In addition to helping people know themselves better and recognize their somatic “yes” and “no”, the teachings illustrate four main categories of human interaction, which may seem heady at first but are quite relatable once you’ve given yourself a moment to take them in:
1- I do for myself: The wish/desire is mine. E.g., I ask the other person: “May I hold your hand?” The other person checks for consent within themselves. If it’s a “no”, they may offer an alternative. If it’s a “yes”, then their job is to watch and express their limits if need be throughout the process, e.g. “Sure, but please don’t apply much pressure”. My job is to go ahead and enjoy the fulfilment of my desire, while respecting their limits. If I don’t respect their limits, that opens the door to my action becoming abuse, violation, etc.
2- I do for you: The wish/desire is the other person’s. E.g., The other person asks me: “Could you hold my hand?” I check for consent within myself. If it’s a “no”, I may offer an alternative. If it’s a “yes”, then my job is to watch and express my limits if need be throughout the process, e.g. “Sure, but only for two minutes”. The other person’s job is to go ahead and enjoy the fulfillment of their wish/desire, while respecting my limits. If I don’t respect and express my own limits, that opens the door to me becoming a pleaser, a martyr, etc.
3- You do for me: The wish/desire is mine. E.g., I ask the other person: “Could you hold my hand?” The other person checks for consent within themselves. If it’s a “no”, they may offer an alternative. If it’s a “yes”, then their job is to watch and express their limits if need be throughout the process, e.g. “Sure, but only for two minutes”. My job is to go ahead and enjoy the fulfillment of my desire, while respecting their limits. If I don’t respect their limits, that opens the door to entitlement, exploitation, etc.
4- You do for you: The wish/desire is the other person’s. E.g., The other person asks me: “May I hold your hand?” I check for consent within myself. If it’s a “no”, I may offer an alternative. If it’s a “yes”, then my job is to watch and express my limits if need be throughout the process, e.g. “Sure, but please don’t apply much pressure”. The other person’s job is to go ahead and enjoy the fulfillment of their wish/desire, while respecting my limits. If I don’t respect and express my own limits, that opens the door to me becoming a passive victim, an enduring partner, etc.
OK, now back to my Big Vegetable Soup Moment: “Who is taking action for whom?”
Standing in my kitchen, I suddenly realized that I felt resentful and reacted to the situation as if it fell into the second category! As if my friend had asked me: “Could you make me a vegetable soup?” In that case, my action aimed to fulfill my friend’s desire, and I felt frustrated because my limits weren’t being expressed and respected. I was very tired, yet toiled under the weight, feeling like a martyr…
And that’s when the naked truth landed: My offer to my friend actually fell into the first category: “May I make you a vegetable soup?” It was, in all frankness, my action done for myself. It was I who liked the idea of making the soup and suggested it. My friend had never asked for it. So the wish/desire was mine. My job was to focus on that- and respect my friend’s limit of not being woken up. In fact, I could just bail out if I wanted to. I would just need to apologize and express my need for rest.
Strangely, as I put things back where they belonged and realized that no one was forcing me to do anything, a gentle, playful energy started flowing into my experience. I could again connect deeply to my pleasure of preparing a soup for my friend. I could notice and enjoy the ingredients’ smells, colors and textures. I slowed down, turned on some music, and had a great time.
And, do you know what the best part was? Quietly placing the hot pot of soup on the counter while my friend slept, I felt a serene joy and- surprise, surprise! – 0 need for recognition. I had done what I wanted, the way I wanted to, and what a pleasure it had been.